(a House/South Park crossover. That's right.)
Stan: Dude! You're not supposed to eat all that candy without paying for it!
Cartman: Screw you, if the school is gonna try to make me sell candy for them the hell with them!
Wendy: That's stealing from the school, I'm telling!
Cartman: I'm not full yet, bitch, I'll eat your candy too! (he tries to grab it, she runs away. He's too fat and feeling bloated after having eaten all the candy bars to catch up with her, she ducks into a bar to try to hide from him. At this point all background etc. is live action. South Park characters still look like South park characters. Think Roger Rabbit.
House walks in.)
House: What the hell are you staring at kid, haven't you ever seen a guy with a limp before?
Wendy: Not really, everyone in my town walks like they've had their legs stitched together.
House: I'd call the CDC and have the water checked in your town if I were you, that sounds like some sort of degenerative nerve disease. Hey, what are you even doing in a bar?! You're what, nine?
Wendy: I have to sell candy for my school and I'm hiding from this rotten stinker of a kid, Eric Cartman, because he threatened to steal it. I already got in trouble for beating him up once for making fun of breast cancer but he never learns.
House: You beat him up for making fun of breast cancer, hmm? (to the bartender) Got any Macallan's?
Bartender(live action guy, not a South Park guy): Nope, sorry. Jack Daniels all right?
House: OK, get me a Jack and a Coke, not a Jack AND Coke.
Bartender: Got it. (he fixes both, House gives Wendy the Coke and they both sit down at the bar)
House: I can't do this all afternoon, though, later today Uncle Greg has to go to a hotel to meet a lady whom he, umm, paid to be nice to him.
Wendy: She lives in a hotel? Like Eloise?
House: (taken aback)Yeah, I think so.(clears throat) So what's this rotten kid do?
(Some time later. A few empty glasses are on the bar in front of them. House looks simultaneously amused and horrified. I realize this is a difficult facial expression to pull off successfully but I have utmost faith in Mr. Laurie's acting chops.)
House: Wow, this kid sounds like a real little asshole!
Wendy: Oh, he is. Will you buy some of my candy?
House: Look, I have a problem with buying candy when it usually goes to stuff that doesn't have a lot to do with education, like getting new football uniforms or something.
Wendy: This is going to ramps.
House: I'll take ten dark chocolate bars with nuts.
Wendy: Wow, thanks!
House: Don't tell anybody I was nice to you, I have a reputation to protect. Also, if you want to sell more candy go hit up Wilson and Cameron, they're a couple of softies. Hell, Cameron's allergic to chocolate and she'll probably buy a bunch from you and give it to kids in the hospital! (pocketing candy bars, looking at his watch) Listen, I gotta go.
(They both leave the bar. Cartman and Kenny are hanging around outside.)
Cartman: (quietly, but not as quietly as he thinks) Hah, there's the bitch now! Watch this. (more loudly, to House, going into his innocent routine) Excuse me, I am a lost little boy--OWWWW, that old gimp son of a bitch just hit me with his cane!!!
Kenny: Yr rfutatshmph purceevs yu, hhehehheh!
Cartman: SHADDAP KENNY!!
House: (to Kenny) Hey, aren't you one of Wilson's patients?
Kenny: Oh, fk, nah agemph!
(Usual overhead shot of the hospital zooms into Wendy entering the building safely and unnoticed by Cartman. House walks off in the other direction.)
House: (singing quietly to himself) Shut your fucking face, uncle fucker.... (he goes into a hotel, heads straight for one particular room and knocks on the door. It is opened by a blond hooker wearing a leopard tube top, sparkly blue miniskirt and a black hair bow)
Hooker: Hello I am me Eloise
here's what I like:
here's what I hate:
and I cawn't cawn't cawn't take checks
House: This is going to be really interesting.