(very cracky fic written on a dare from the lovely hilsongirl)
(A room in PPTH. A patient, a young man with a broken arm, is sitting up in bed typing on a laptop. His name is Peter Freud.)
Peter: (quietly, to himself) Dear Diary, Well, you won't believe what happened when I got to the hospital, I fell in love! He works here and he is so gorgeous, he is long, strong and lean, he is a bit gnarled but as far as I'm concerned that just means he's got character--(stops typing) oh, god, I think he's out there!
(House and Wilson walk by in the hall, Peter gets out of bed and stands in the doorway staring rapturously.)
House: (bugeyed) This guy is looking at me like he wants to nom on my squirrel!
Wilson: (cringing) Nom...on...that has got to be the most unerotic blow job metaphor ever. (facepalm)
(Peter runs towards them, wrests House's cane out of his hands and starts kissing the cane in a very Pepe Le Pew-type manner. The momentum causes House to spin around and drop to a kneeling position facing Wilson.)
House: Owww, fuck!
Wilson: (smirking) Now, now, House, I know I'm a big stud but you could, at least, wait till we get to my office!
House: (scowl) Shut your neck, Wilson, I taught you everything you know.