May 12th, 2009

Hugh Blue Eyes

(no subject)

Well, that was seriously fucking depressing on several levels.
My heart's not in writing any more fics now.
I need to reveal some rather personal stuff about myself if there's any chance of anyone reading this understanding why I'm depressed to the degree that I am.
It's partly because of the Asperger's but I also have this lifelong tendency towards intense sexualized crushes on celebrities and/or fictional characters because I can't have a boyfriend in real life and I really, really want one, so I feel that fantasy is emotionally safe, or I did till last night. I can't have a real boyfriend because I look fucking terrible. I've only had two boyfriends ever and one was mean and abusive and the other was the nicest guy on the planet but turned out to be gay. And I'm no kid. I'm 47. My issues with my appearance are not a delusion. People I don't even know say horrible things to me when I'm out in public minding my business. Kids are the worst. I know on an intellectual level that it's all arbitrary bullshit but men are obsessed with it. About the only thing that will make them overlook it is if the woman has a lot of money (which I don't) or if she's one of those pathetic females who is so desperate for a man that she acts like his slave or something and those women attract the worst sort of Neanderthal creep. I refuse to lower myself to that.
Also, I think I'm probably the only person in this group who has actually been in a mental hospital, and it wasn't to use the phone. They are nightmares. You will lie and say you feel better just to get out of there.
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