October 30th, 2009

Hugh Smile

(no subject)

It's Time You Got a Life

(Christmas Eve, late evening at PPTH. The sky is clear but there's snow on the ground. Chase is in the lobby marking time, watching a TV which is playing "It's a Wonderful Life". Chocolate Frapp enters the lobby, walking rapidly while putting on a large Irish wool wrap. She walks up to Chase, eyeing the TV.)
CF: Ish, they should make sure none of the diabetes patients watches this!
Chase: You're such a cynic, no wonder House likes you.
CF: I am not a cynic, I'm a skeptic. There's a difference. I believe in what can be proven. Anyway, if you look at it from a certain perspective, this movie is cynical.
Chase: What?
CF: One of the main premises of this movie is the idea that if a woman isn't married it's some sort of fate worse than death, now THAT'S cynical!
Chase: This movie was made in 1947, that's how they thought then.
CF: I know, and it makes me damn glad I wasn't born yet. Neither were you, and you certainly don't seem to have any sort of issue with women doctors. Cuddy's your boss and you don't seem to be bothered by having a woman in authority over you.
Chase: No, of course not. I'm not very happy with her right now, but that's got nothing to do with her being a woman.
CF: Why, what's going on?
Chase: She and Wilson are having some sort of huge fight in her office. I don't know what it's about, I made myself scarce. (shudders) I hate the hell out of being around people fighting. I don't think too many people like it much, but I really can't bloody stand it.
CF: (empathetic) I know what you mean. I think it kind of comes with the territory of having an alcoholic parent.
Chase: (somewhat surprised) I didn't know that about you.
CF: Well, I've dealt with it. You doing the same thing I am, waiting for somebody to get off shift?
Chase: Yeah, Alison's kind of swamped, the ER's really in a bit of an uproar. I hate to slag off a patient who's having a heart attack, but some nasty old bat named Agatha apparently caught her nephew buggering some butler guy and keeled right over. She's still conscious enough to be really verbally abusive, though.
CF: Yee gods! (looking at TV) Oh, god, here's where idiot Uncle Billy loses the newspaper with the money in it.
Chase: Geez, what's your favorite Christmas movie, "Bad Santa"?
CF: No, that's House's fave, mine is the one with Ralphie and the BB gun and stuff.
Chase: So, let me guess, you have a big leg lamp in your window, but it's a male leg with a big scar on it?
CF: (snickering, then doing a "namaste" type hand gesture) Ahhhhhhhh, the caustic humor is strong in this one!!
Chase: A guru stereotype? That's a new one. Your boyfriend has already thrown damn near every Aussie stereotype in the book at me. His latest is cracks about me being that sniper guy in Team Fortress. I'm sorry you gave him that damn game for Christmas.
CF: It's not a Christmas present, it's a birthday present!
Chase: It's too early, his birthday's not till January 6th!
CF: I know, but I have to call it an early birthday present, 'cause he hates Christmas.
Chase: At least you avoid stereotypes, except when we'd recently met and you called me a "Melbourne Ken Doll". I don't even fully get that, I'm not from Melbourne.
CF: It was a pun thing for "Malibu". I heard you call me "unattractive", that really gets my fucking back up. House does that stereotype thing for everyone, not just you.
Chase: I know, I'm surprised he hasn't made a joke about Foreman and voodoo.
CF: Yeah, Foreman's already fucking a zombie.
Chase: Ouch! You really don't like 13, do you?? Do you think just because she's bi she sleeps with everyone?
CF: No, I think because she's a boring stuck up anorexic cow, she's lucky to sleep with anyone.
Her being bi is the only thing about her I DON'T find objectionable. Besides, I know perfectly well what House gets up to with Wilson and I clearly have no probs with that. (winks; Chase arches his eyebrows) I've never heard him make any roo jokes.
Chase: Well, if I'm Roo, you're Tigger, you're hyper enough.
CF: (laughs) Well, I think we all know who Eeyore is.
Chase: (smiling and trying to hide it) Who's Pooh, Wilson?
CF: No, Wilson's Piglet, he's a little drama queen. (Chase laughing and trying to fight it; Cameron and House enter from opposite sides. Cameron kisses Chase on the cheek.)
Chase: Hi, sweetheart, you ready to go home now?
Cameron: I sure am, I'm really tired.
(House and CF are all over eachother.)
Cameron: We're gonna have to hose Gomez and Morticia off like a couple of dogs!
(House and CF untangle; CF does Addams double fingersnap, deadpan, House smirks. All four start walking out.)
House: (to CF) Come on, let's go back to my place and you can make something else on me grow three sizes.
CF: (to the tune of "You're a Mean One, Mr. Grinch") Da nanana NAH na, da nanana NAH na, you're erotic, Dr. House!
Cameron: I will pay you twenty dollars to sing something else.
(CF holds palm out. Cameron hands her money.)
CF: (putting arm around House, sings) When your back's to the wall, when you're starting to fall, you've got someone you can lean on....
Chase: Some cynic you are, that's the song from that Butterfly Ball cartoon! (House laughs uproariously.)
CF: You've seen THAT?!
Chase: They ran that on Aussie kids' TV constantly in the 80s!
House: (to CF, somehow managing to be snarky and affectionate simultaneously as only he can) You're a human iPod.

(a/n: this was originally supposed to be a one shot but I liked it so much I decided to add what happened next. here's a link:
http://chocolate-frapp.livejournal.com/2009/12/15/ )
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