December 2nd, 2010

Hugh Blue Eyes

(no subject)

Invasion Of the Cuddy Snatchers


(House walks into the exam room. There is a homeless man waiting there for him.)

Homeless man: (very dignified) Good evening, sir. I seem to have some sort of a cold or other virus of that type and was wondering if you could possibly spare some of the appropriate medication because it seems to be interfering with my duties.
House: (a little taken aback) Sure, let me write you out a scrip for some antihistamines. (gives it to him)
Homeless man: Thank you very much. (puts on tinfoil Batman hat, leaves)
(Cut to Wilson running down the hall yelling like Kevin McCarthy)
Wilson: THEY'RE HERE ALREADY! THEY'RE HERE ALREADY!! YOU'RE NEXT! YOU'RE NEXT!!!
(He bangs open the door to House's office. House is in there in Cuddy's arms.)
House: Goddamnit, Wilson, I'm trying to get laid here!
Wilson: THERE'S A GIANT POD IN CUDDY'S OFFICE AND IT LOOKS LIKE IT'S BEEN THERE SINCE SEASON FO--A LONG TIME!
Cuddy: Oh, that? that's just a peapod that fell out of my Chinese food!
Wilson: It's bigger than your couch!
(Cameron and three Women In Black, Agent K, Agent L and Agent M, all of whom are armed, enter behind Wilson.)
Cameron and all three WIBS: (in unison and pointing their guns at Cuddy) Let go of him, you bitch!
Agent K: Oooo, I've always wanted to say that! FBI!
Agent L: FBI?
Agent K: Frapp By I-title!
Agent L: That's pushing it.
Agent M: (to Wilson) Hi sweetie!
Cuddy: I'm not an alien!
Agent K: she's producing spores that screw with your will power, House, that's why you didn't raise more of a stink about that dirty trick last Thanksgiving and the business with the grip bar on your tub!
Agent M: And why Wilson's been running so hot and cold!
Agent L: yeah, and Scarecrow's brain!
Cuddy: Don't listen to them, House, I'm gonna ram my ovipositor down your throat and lay my eggs in your chest! (House looks bug eyed.) But I'm not an alien! oh, crap....
Cameron: Oh what a giveaway!
Cuddy: (speaking into her Y-necklace) The mission has failed, Commander, get me out of here. And you might as well release the hostage, we have no more use for her now.
(Pod!Cuddy disappears. the real Cuddy appears, tied up.)
House: I've been having sex with an alien? (pause) Cool. That would explain the scar kissing.
Real Cuddy: An alien's been running MY hospital?!
House: You know you look pretty hot tied up like that, kind of a Bettie Page thing.
Real Cuddy: Shut up, House!
House: I'm gonna miss the sex though.
Cameron: Wilson, Agents K and L and myself can always help you with those needs....
House: (smiling) Sounds like a good idea to me.
Wilson: (kisses House) you can move back into the condo anytime you like.
House: We can talk about that later.
Agent K: We might as well put the guns away, I don't think we're gonna need to shoot anybody unless that anorexic slag 13 did something really bad.
Stephen Fry: My dear girl, she became an hors' deouvre when Cthulu was the guest star last week.
Agent K: Aw, shit, I missed that!
Stephen Fry: M'colleague, how about I make us some drinks and then let's all go back to my hotel suite and have an orgy?
House: Smartest thing I've heard all day.
Agent L: I'd better call the school and let them know the substitute has to keep an eye on the spawns for an extra day (gets out cell phone)

(out in the hall, Foreman and homeless man w/ tinfoil Batman hat walk by)

Homeless man: Well, my work is done here.
Foreman: You didn't do anything.
Homeless man: Didn't I? (60s Batman TV theme song plays in background, he runs off.)

(back in House's office. House unrolls one of those portable keyboards onto his desk. Stephen has a cocktail shaker.)
Stephen: Tonight's cocktail is the Naughty Bits. All you need is single malt whiskey, Coke, a nose hair from Mr. T, the mummified skull of Jerry Fallwell, and the words, please, Dr. Music, will you play?
(House plays closing song from seasons 3 and 4 of ABOFAL while Stephen does his thing w/ throwing the shaker around, etc. and sliding the drinks around.)
House, Stephen, Wilson, Cameron and Agents K,L and M,( raising glasses and smiling, in unison) Soupy twist. (they leave)
Real Cuddy: Could someone please untie me?
(Chase walks in.)
Chase: (grinning) How much of a raise do I get?
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