April 15th, 2017

Nut House

(no subject)

Had a fantastic time at the MST double feature last night with my friends, had a few beers and a burger and won two free passes and some weird card game called Guillotine. The only unfortunate thing is I've got fuck all to do for the rest of the weekend. Also I tried to call my mom yesterday to wish her a happy birthday but she's in Arizona and she and my dad didn't answer their cell so I just left a voicemail.
  • Current Music
    David Bowie
Bertie ?!

(no subject)

For some reason, my original copy of this that I wrote back in 2008 has gotten lost in the shuffle so I'm reposting it right here.

Title: Imaginary Lover
Fandom: House
Warning: Product contains script formatting, Chase's dirty little secret, a very bi House and a surprise guest star. Do not exceed recommended dosage.

(House is in his office. The vertical blinds are closed, the lights are turned down low, he is looking at porn on his computer with a gleam in his eyes.
House: Awww, yeah! (puts some lotion on his hand from a small bottle on his desk, opens his fly, pulls out his dick and starts masturbating.
(Cameron starts to open the door.)
Cameron: Eeek! (closes the door)
(House snickers. Chase opens the door)
Chase: God, that's embarrassing!
(House stops, covers himself up.)
House: Not as embarrassing as singing, "I'm too sexy for my scrubs" in the damn locker room shower!
House: How the hell do you not hear a crippled guy sneak up on you, Oblivious Newton-John?
(Chase leaves. House starts up again. Cuddy opens the door.)
Cuddy: (facepalm) Oh, God.
House (grinning evilly): Free samples!
Cuddy (to herself): He's a twelve year old.
(Cuddy leaves. Wilson opens the door.)
Wilson: Want some help?
House: Sure!
(The usual shot of the hospital from above, then cut back to House's office. Chocolate Frapp opens the door to see Wilson making anal love to House. She looks entertained.)
Chocolate Frapp: (smiling) Oh, hi boys! Don't mind me!
House: Hi, Ka--Chocolate! (mock innocence) Oh my goodness, I forgot to lock the door!
Wilson: (not losing stride) HOUSE!!!
Chocolate Frapp: You've got to be the only person in the world who could affect mock innocence while getting your skinny ass fucked!
House: Oh, you love me for it!
CF: I never said I didn't! (pause) Want me to lock the door and make you Lucky Pierre?
House: (pleased) Get over here.

a/n: Foreman's not in this because he knew better than to open the door. If you stand at the correct angle, you can see through vertical blinds even when they're closed.
Bertie Smile

(no subject)

and the same thing goes for this:

Title:Slippery Fingers
fandom: Jeeves and Wooster
Warning: Contains Cole Porter lyrics, alcohol product placement and a "House" in-joke. Do not push this fic into your eyeballs. a/n Jeeves speaks rather than sings his two lines in the song.

Jeeves is a marvel. He did an absolutely topping job, even better than usual, if that's at all poss. , of seeing to the general care of myself whilst I was recovering from that rather nasty business involving my dear old pal Lotus Upshaw and her emerald tiara. I shan't go into all that story again at this time, suffice it to say it ended up with old Bertie falling out a window and breaking the old right arm. I had to go round to hospital and get seen by a rather rum doctor, handsome chappie but he had a dreadful temper. Had a bit of a bum leg, don't you know; perhaps the pain was making him cross. We Woosters can walk a mile in the other chappie's spats and all that rot.
Where was I? Oh yes. The limb seemed to be healing quite nicely, but there were certain activities I had rather missed and wanted to have a go at again.
"Jeeves, if you're not terribly busy with other valet-ing duties, could you please fix me one of your Pimm's cups and bring it in to me at the piano? I have a bit of a yen to tickle the old ivories."
"Very good, sir."
After a few scales, I began to play a bit of Cole Porter and felt so full of the youthful joie-de-vivre that I began to sing like a bally nightingale.

"You could have a great career
And you should--"
"Yes you should." I heard Jeeves add in passing in his usual unflappable way.
I continued. "Only one thing stops you dear
You're too good--"
"Way too good." Jeeves again.
"If you want a future, darlin--
Why don't you get a past?
Cause that fateful moment's comin at last

We're all alone, no chaperone
Can get our number
The world's in slumber, let's misbehave!

There's something wild about you child
That's so contagious
Let's be outrageous--let's misbehave!

When Adam won Eve's hand
He wouldn't stand for teasin
He didn't care about those apples out of season

They say that spring means just one thing to little lovebirds
We're not above birds--let's misbehave"

Perhaps it was Mr. Porter's lyrics or it was the sips of Pimm's (the way Jeeves makes them, they do make one have rummy thoughts) but Bertram felt an overwhelming urge to indulge myself in another activity I had rather been missing.
I biffed into the bedroom and had a bit of a lie down, adjusted my waistband so I was not entirely inside of my trousers, closed the old peepers and thought about...erm, someone I quite fancy, and began to pleasure myself.
It didn't take much time at all for the usual delicious feelings to make their prescence jolly well known. Apparently, Jeeves also decided to make his prescence jolly well known by reaching down and finishing the task with his usual efficiency.
"I say, Jeeves, thanks awfully! I've said it before and I'll say it again, your feudal spirit knows no bounds!"
"I endeavour to give satisfaction, sir. If you will allow me to use one of your cotton handkerchiefs, as they launder more easily than the linen or silk ones--"
"Oh, rather!" I paused. "I say, Jeeves,"
"Please do sit down beside me. We Woosters always return favors...."
"Very good, sir."