There was a meme making the rounds recently to the effect of: zombies have invaded the mall.
1. what weapon do you use on them?
2. what song do you want playing in the background?
3. what famous person (real life or fictional) do you want as an ally?
I picked the small bazooka/large rifle fireball thingy from my pirate dream, "TV Eye' by Iggy Pop, and House. I liked this idea so much I turned it into a fic. here is:
Iggy Pop Go The Zombies
(House, Wilson, Cameron, Foreman, Chase and Chocolate Frapp are walking through a mall. House is being tolerably rough with a cherry slurpee.)
Foreman: Why exactly are we hanging out in this mall when we're supposed to be working?
Chocolate Frapp: Because SOMEBODY heard Cuddy was planning on going lingerie shopping at Victoria's Secret during her lunch hour. (House sticks his tongue out at Chocolate Frapp.)Oooo, looks like the Rolling Stones logo! (suggestively) Nice tongue, sugarlump!
Wilson: (jealous) Knock it off with that "sugarlump" crap, Chocolate, he's mine!!
CF: Wilson, you're selfish! Anyway, I didn't see you getting all possessive during those group gr--
Chase: Eurggh, TMI!
Foreman: (putting his hands over his ears) LA LA LA LA, I DO NOT HEAR YOU!
(Cameron just looks grossed out. Loud crash.)
House: What the fuck was that?
(Zombies show up, start shambling towards our heroes.)
House: Oh shit! I should have brought my sword cane!
(CF brings out something resembling a cross between a small bazooka and a large rifle.)
CF: Blocked, cocked and ready to rock! (She runs into a store called We Be NRA and breaks the front window. Other people in the mall are too busy trying to run away from the zombies to be put out by her behavior.) Smashie smashie! (She runs back and hands House a tommy gun and starts handing round Glocks to the other doctors. "TV Eye" by Iggy Pop starts playing in the background. CF shoots large fireballs at zombies.)
House: Little help here, Chocolate, grab my shoulder, this bad boy is gonna knock me a little off balance. (He shoots zombies while CF holds his shoulder. Foreman and Cameron also shoot zombies.)
Cameron: House, do you respect me a little more now that you know I can shoot zombies?
House: Sure, but I'm still not gonna have sex with you. (Cameron pouts.)
CF: (voice of Nelson Muntz) Haw haw!
House: (trying to be protective) Wilson, get the hell out of here, you can't deal with this.
Wilson: I'm not going to just leave you here!
House: OK, you wanna make yourself useful, a large chunk of zombie just landed near my right foot. Take it, make your way back to the hospital and get it tested for everything except lupus. (A terrified Hot Dog on a Stick girl runs past Wilson. He grabs her hat without her really noticing and uses it to scoop up the chunk of zombie on the floor. House takes the walkie talkies from two dead security guys and tosses one to Wilson, who catches it awkwardly.)
Call me on this when you get to the hospital and let me know what's going on.
Wilson: You got it. In case we don't make it--(kisses House on the lips. House does not exactly object to this. Cameron pouts, Chase looks ill, Foreman pointedly looks the other way and CF has an "awww, how sweet" expression. "The Ace of Spades" by Motorhead starts playing in the background. Wilson runs out and everyone else besides Chase goes back to shooting zombies. Chase takes the opportunity to go hide behind a planter.)
CF: This music works fairly well for what we're doing anyway.
House: Well, any hardass fast rock would work here.
CF: We're the good guys and we're doing the shooting, though, so they can't fucking play any John Lennon, 'cause he was a good guy who got shot. They fucking trash John's memory like that, I'm gonna make the soundtrack guys sorry they were born!! (House bugs his eyes and looks very taken aback in response to this rant.) Quit making that face, you look like Bertie Wooster. (Fourth Wall loses a large chunk, taking several zombies with it.)
Wilson: (through walkie talkie) Boy Wonder Oncologist to Wounded Alpha Male, come in Wounded Alpha Male.
House: Wounded Alph--whaa? (yelling into walkie talkie, irritated) yeah, Tinky Winky to Barney the fucking dinosaur!! Wilson, what the hell is going on!?
Wilson: I drove to the hospital and dropped off the sample at the lab. I didn't see any zombies on the road--OH MY GOD! THERE'S A ZOMBIE IN THE HOSPITAL!! wait, false alarm, it's only Thirteen. (Both House and CF start laughing. music changes to "Suffragette City" by David Bowie.)
CF: I think we might want to get out of here pretty soon. I think that wall that just partly fell down might have been a supporting wall.
Foreman: You study architecture?
CF: (embarrassed) No, I only know what a supporting wall is from watching Fawlty Towers.
House: What IS it with you and British comedies?! (Fourth Wall loses another very large chunk which falls on several more zombies. A large number of soldiers enter the mall.)
1st Soldier: We've found survivors!
2nd Soldier: We're here to evacuate you and get this zombie situation taken care of. If you'll come with us--
House: (slightly dubious) You're that sure.
3rd Soldier: With all due respect, sir, Iraq makes this look like a kid's birthday party.
4th Soldier: Are there any other survivors here we should know about?
House: Yeah, there's an Aussie chickenshit in a fetal position behind that planter.
5th Soldier: (talking to Chase behind the planter) Sir, come with us, please. Put the teddy bear down sir. (Everybody gets escorted out by the soldiers.)
CF: Hey, I just thought of something! We just beat a stupid bigoted cliche! There are way too many horror movies where the first people to get whacked are black guys, disabled guys, or women who show any evidence of sexuality! We gave that bullshit the axe!
House: (gleeful) Kicked it to the curb!
Foreman: It deserved it! (high fives or hugs exchanged by House, Foreman, CF and Cameron. Some of the soldiers cheer. Chase looks ashamed. All main characters and a few soldiers get in a Humvee and it takes off. House and CF's victory hug and kiss goes on awfully long. The usual shot of the hospital from above, then cut to a hallway in the hospital. Cuddy, carrying a Victoria's Secret bag, walks up to a very nervous looking Wilson.)
Cuddy: Anything happen while I was on my lunch hour?
Wilson: You weren't at the mall?
Cuddy: No, I went to the Victoria's Secret across town. I never go to that mall, it's always too crowded.