chocolate_frapp (chocolate_frapp) wrote,

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the House musical

Intro to "Industrial Disease" by Dire Straits plays as graphic of the white nerve on the brown background is shown.
Caption reading: Viewer discretion advised. I, Chocolate Frapp, do not own any of the House characters or the following songs. I just own myself. Keep this fic out of the reach of children and police.

(shot of light flashing on top of ambulance)
Warning lights are flashing down in quality control
(Patient of the week, a generic-looking white guy, keels over)
Somebody threw a spanner and they threw him in the hole
(He pukes. It looks really nasty, like blood and guacamole)
There's rumors in the loading bay and anger in the town
(he passes out)
Somebody blew the whistle and the walls came down
(cut to House, Cameron and Chase in conference room)
There's a meeting in the boardroom they're trying to trace the smell
House: (sings) There's leaking in the washroom
Chase: (sings) There's a sneak in personnel
(back to original by Dire Straits, the next line is written on the whiteboard as it's heard)
Somewhere in the corridors someone was heard to sneeze
House: (sings after looking up from microscope) Goodness me could this be industrial disease?
(instrumental break, paramecium in microscope wiggle around in time to the music like they're dancing)
Cuddy: The caretaker was crucified for sleeping at his post
(usual overhead shot of the hospital, Dire Straits again, in fact through the rest of this thing, if no character is identified as the singer, just "hear" the original vocalist of whichever song it is)
They're refusing to be pacified it's him they blame the most
(Foreman talking to Flea of the Red Hot Chili Peppers)
The watchdog's got rabies, the foreman's got fleas
Cameron: And everyone's concerned about industrial disease
Wilson: There's panic on the switchboard
House: Tongues are tied in knots (sticks tongue out, waggles it very suggestively) Some come out in sympathy, some come out in spots
Cuddy: Some blame the management
Very large crowd of as many staff as possible: Some the employees
House: And everybody knows it's the industrial disease
(instrumental break. Title shot of the brain drawing. The brain jumps up and down in time to the music in very Monty Python-type animation.)
(Opening title shot of the ribcage)
The work force is disgusted downs tools and walks
Cameron: Innocence is injured,
House: Experience just talks.
(Overhead shot of river)
Everyone seeks damages and everyone agrees
(Opening shot of spine)
That these are classic symptoms of a monetary squeeze
(Spine wiggles slightly, like a snake)
House: (distinctive British accent, in other words, Hugh Laurie's natural voice) On ITV and BBC they talk about the curse
Wilson: Philosophy is useless
House: (back to American accent) Theology is worse
(shot of House in the hall twirling his cane rapidly, throwing it in the air and catching it like a drum major. His body language is very showoffy. Cameron, Chase and Foreman march behind him very precisely like a drill team.)
History boils over there's an economics freeze
Sociologists invent words that mean
House, Cameron, Foreman and Chase (in perfect unison) Industrial disease!!
(instrumental break, House does more baton twirling moves, music runs down as in end of the original)

a/n: I know there are two more verses, I just did a shorter version of the song.

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