Infarction-tastic! (the House musical)
(Foreman is wearing a white 30's-style tuxedo that would look spiffy if it didn't have blood all over it. His voice and mannerisms are similar to a master of ceremonies in an old-school nightclub or a carny guy. Think Taye Diggs in "Chicago". )
Foreman: And now, ladies and gentlemen, tonight at Club Princeton Placebo, here he is, the demon of diagnostics, the sawbones of sarcasm, the Aesculapius of acerbity--
House: If anybody reading this crazy-assed fic knows what that last part means without looking it up, I will personally give them oral pleasure in the Fox parking lot.
Foreman: (coolly) I'm not interested. (back to MC/carny mode) If he's not throwing a conniption, he's abusing a prescription--
House: You're riding your bicycle on the edge of the abyss, homie.
Foreman: Dr. Greg House!! (applauding like mad) Give it up for him!!
(Intro to "You Don't Know How It Feels" by Tom Petty. Close up of House's feet and cane, the odd offbeat drumming in the song is in synch with his limp.)
House: (walking as the POV pans up him, sings) Let me run with you tonight,(gets on his motorcycle) I'll take you on a moonlight ride (takes off on bike) There's someone I used to see (rides down road) But she don't give a damn for me
But let me get to the point, let's roll another joint (tosses Vicodin in the air and manages to catch it in his mouth while riding his bike) And turn the radio loud, I'm too alone to be proud (looks pissed off) You don't know how it feels, you don't know how it feels (looks really sad) to be me.
People come, people go (arrives in hospital parking lot, rides by an ambulance and a hearse) Some grow young, some grow cold (rides up to disabled parking space, car without wheelchair placard is already in it) I woke up in between a memory and a dream (grins evilly) So let's get to the point, let's roll another joint (pops Vicodin) let's head on down the road (pulls keys out) there's somewhere I gotta go (keys the crap out of the car, looks pissed off) And you don't know how it feels, you don't know how it feels (looks really sad) to be me.
(instrumental break. He walks to the hospital door. Some kid on a bicycle sideswipes him, almost knocking him over. The kid doubles back to do it again. House very nonchalantly sticks his cane in the kid's spokes, causing a wipeout.)
(Cut to Wilson's office. He sits at his desk, looking pensive.)
Wilson: (sings) My old man was born to rock, he's still trying to beat the clock
(House walks in, Wilson smiles.)
House: (sings) Think of me what you will I've got a little space to fill, so let's get to the point, let's roll another joint (pops another Vicodin, POV suddenly switches to that of the pill going through his system with a brief CGI "Fantastic Voyage"-type sequence) let's head on down the road, there's somewhere I gotta go (looks smirky) And you don't know how it feels, no you don't know how it feels, no you don't know how it feels (looks affectionate) to be me....