(no apology to Zager and Evans; it's a crummy song)
The doorbell rang and an old man in a wheelchair answered it, seeing a slender teenage girl with long straight brown hair and a quirky expression.
"Hi, Greg, Uncle James isn't home, is he?"
"Well, of course not, if he were home he wouldn't make his poor old crippled boyfriend answer the door now would he?" The tone of his voice and the mischievous twinkle in his large blue eyes made it clear he was in a much better mood than his words indicated.
"You just got home from the hospital! How's the cyber-prosthetic doing?"
"Not bad, actually, Foreman says I should be walking and not feeling any pain at all in a few days, don't know if I can do the hoochie coo, though. In the meantime, your uncle's at the grocery store picking me up some painkillers."
"By 'painkillers', you don't mean whiskey, now, right?"
"Nooooo, just a harmless pack of med joints. You know that was illegal when you were a baby?"
"No way, really?"
"What are you doing here?"
"Um, I, uh, just wanted to visit."
"Jennifer Wilson, you know I'm the one person you can't bullshit. You had another fight with your parents, didn't you?"
She sighed and tossed her head. "I am so sick of hearing about what a disappointment I am and why can't I be more like Queen Kathy, the perfect daughter! Shit! Can I crash here tonight?"
"I don't know why not." He backed the wheelchair away from the door a bit so she could come in. "Your uncle is getting popcorn too so we can have movie night."
"Ooo, phasing! What are you watching?"
"Gene Wilder, Johnny Depp or Eddie Izzard?"
"Gene Wilder, although the Eddie Wonka has better songs. That damn Oompa Loompa song from the Wilder one gets on my last nerve. Also Eraserhead--"
"Jack Nance or Shia LeBeouf?"
"Please. Like I'd let that shitty remake into the house. Also, Chi's in the kitchen, she brought me a devil's food cake."
"Hi, Jennifer! Come on in here, let me cut you a piece of cake and get you something to drink. We have coffee--"
House raised an eyebrow. "Your parents don't like you drinking coffee--"
Jennifer rolled her eyes.
"--but they're not here now, are they?"
Much later that night, after Chi had gone home and Jennifer had fallen asleep on the couch, House and Wilson were getting ready to go to bed.
"I think you've mellowed with age, and being in less pain probably has something to do with it too, House. I remember when you didn't want to socialize with anybody but me."
"Oh, give me a break."
"You know, you shouldn't spoil Jennifer so much by letting her eat that much cake. You had these grapes in our bedroom the whole time. We're doctors, we should be encouraging her to eat more healthy snacks."
"Chi and Jennifer shouldn't eat those grapes. It's OK for you to be eating them, though, Wilson." House grinned evilly.
Wilson looked alarmed through a mouthful of grapes. "What'd you do to them?!"
"I was absolutely so bored before Chi and Jennifer came over that I decided to see how many of them I could fit under my foreskin before it got uncomfortable. Oh, quit gagging, you suck my dick all the time."