warning: Adult rating, fic contains no actual fucking but does contain gay kiss scene, bondage and discipline, nudity, masturbation, Peter Jackson orcs and 1940's Black jazz musicians.
(usual overheard shot of the hospital. "Dream", by Forest For The Trees)
When I'm dreaming I don't know if I'm truly asleep or if I'm awake
(House sleeping at his desk)
When I get up I don't know if I'm truly awake or if I'm still dreaming....
(Shot of bizarre bright red landscape with what appear to be giant internal organs in it. Large squadron of orcs from the Lord of The Rings movies stand at attention. They are all carrying nasty-looking long pikes, spears, axes, etc. In unison, they do a rhythmic CLOP! CLOP! STOMP! consisting of two bangs of their weapons' staves and stamping their foot once over and over to the tune of "We Will Rock You" by Queen.)
Orc leader: That's your face
It's a disgrace
I thought it was your behind in the wrong place
Orcs:WE WILL WE WILL ORC YOU!!
WE WILL WE WILL ORC YOU!!
(music suddenly switches to "Search and Destroy" by Iggy Pop. House, wearing leather daddy gear, rides in on a big Harley Hog, not his usual bike, balancing a giant syringe on his shoulder like a knight with a lance.)
House: (sings) I'm a street walking cheetah with a heart full of napalm
(rides right at the orcs)
I'm a runaway son of the nuclear A bomb
(spears orcs on syringe)
I am a world's forgotten boy
(other orcs scatter)
The one who searches and destroys
(He wakes up, looking startled, mutters)
Damn Peter Jackson.
(shot of Wilson sleeping at his desk, "Dream" playing again)
When I'm dreaming I don't know if I'm truly asleep or if I'm awake...
(Shot of House in black tuxedo playing piano. Wilson is slithering all over top of piano like Michelle Pfeiffer. "Blue Eyes" by Elton John.)
Wilson: (sings, practically has big pink cartoon hearts coming out of his eyes)
Blue eyes, baby's got blue eyes
Like a clear blue sky
Watching over me
Blue eyes, woo I love blue eyes
When I'm by his side
Where I long to be
I will see
Blue eyes laughing in the sun
Laughing in the rain
Baby's got blue eyes
And I am home again
(Big kiss over piano top. Wilson wakes up suddenly, groans) Oh, hell, not THAT dream again!
(shot of Cuddy sleeping at her desk, more "Dream" playing)
When I get up I don't know if I'm truly awake or if I'm still dreaming
(in Cuddy's dream she's wearing long black patent leather lace up boots and a 60's style mini dress, singing and doing the twist)
Cuddy: These boots are made for walking
And that's just what they'll do
And one of these days these boots are gonna walk all over you
(As the bass goes down the scale, she goes into more and more of a squatting position while twisting until we see she's dancing on the back of a prostrate House who is tied down in a spread eagle and not wearing anything apart from a Borat thong thing, a ball gag and an "I am so fucked" expression in his eyes.)
Wilson: Cuddy, wake up!
Cuddy: Why? I'm so happy here.
(back to "Dream")
Dream dream dream dream, life is but a dream
Traveling the waves of an infinite ocean....
(shot of Foreman asleep in conference room, music switches to "Mambo #5" by Lou Bega. Foreman wearing sharp-looking 40's style suit and fedora, backed up by Duke Ellington-type big band)
Foreman: (sings) A little bit of cholera in my life
A little bit of aneurysm by my side
A little bit of glaucoma's what I see
A little bit of priapism's what I need
A little bit of melanoma in the sun
A little bit of insomnia all night long
A little bit of influenza here I am--"
(wakes up, music changes back to "Dream")
I feel the deepest emotion
(shot of Cameron asleep)
I see a shadow of reality...
(music changes to "I Touch Myself" by the Divinyls. Cameron is in a large comfortable-looking bed with a lot of Indian silk pillows, wearing a T shirt and nothing else)
Cameron: (sings) I don't want anybody else
(grabs House's cane from somewhere among the pillows. It hums and vibrates)
When I think about you I touch myself
(uses it as a vibrator, NOT a dildo! if you don't know the difference you are probably too young to be reading this and should go look at a Batman website or something, wakes up, looks irritated, grumbles) damn, you don't have to be Freud to figure that one out.
(back to "Dream" one last time)
Please hold me closely and take me away (shot of Chase sleeping)
I'm the first person
You're the second person....(cut to Chase's dream. he's dancing around naked in the hospital locker room shower to "I'm Too Sexy" by Right Said Fred. lots of butt wiggling.)
Chase: (sings) I'm too sexy for my scrubs, too sexy for my autoclave, too sexy for my MRI...(wakes up) Ohhhhhhh shit, just like what really happened except House didn't sneak up on me and start laughing in this dream
Cameron: (walking past him) I've got bad news for you, House had a videocam with him and you're real popular on Youtube now.
I'm the first person you're the second person...