(thanks to Dan Savage for the inspiration)
I've been lying here wide awake for I don't know how long. I want to be a good boyfriend and not wake him up. He's exhausted. He was up most of the night trying to figure out a really strange case, which he was finally able to do, and he's sleeping like a rock.
Which is what I'm as hard as.
I had one of the dirtiest dreams I've ever had, and I woke up just in time to avoid having a wet dream. I still remember being twelve and messing up my Star Trek sheets after that dream about Lucia Romano. Danny and Chris gave me a bad time for months afterwards but at least I washed the sheets so Mom never found out.
I can't jerk off here or I'll wake House up. I'll put on my bathrobe and go do it on the couch.
Better grab a handful of kleenexes out of the bathroom first....
Just going to lie down out here and try to be quiet--think of that dream--tickle my balls a little bit with my right hand--open my bathrobe so I don't come on it--get a good grip with my left hand....
WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT THAT JUST FELL ON MY CHEST
Oh, crap, it's Sarah. Stop flailing for god's sake, Wilson. She's just in feline YOU MUST PET ME NOW mode. Good thing I didn't yell and wake House up, just gasped really loudly.
What was that noise?
Give her a couple of perfunctory pets with my right hand while the left one doesn't lose stride, then give her a gentle nudge off me onto the floor. Hope she doesn't do this when House is having a wank, he'd probably be a lot less forgiving.
OK, few wipes with the kleenex and I'm all set to get back in bed and go to sleep.
Did I just hear a snicker?