(NC-17, if you can't tell that from the title)
Scene: A large amusement park. Two uniformed workers, both in their twenties, are in front of a large fake rock facade reading "DINOSAUR WORLD". They both look very bored and somewhat annoyed.
First worker: People think this would be a fun job but it sucks. I've only been working here for a little over a month and I'm sick of it.
Second worker: I've been working here for a year and I'm getting stomachaches. Mr. Truman thinks the stress is giving me ulcers and he's threatening to fire me because of it. This isn't the best job I've ever had but I don't want to lose it.
First worker: About the only fun thing about this job is looking at cute guys. Did you see that guy who went in there about twenty minutes ago (pointing to the DINOSAUR WORLD sign) with the dimples and the dark brown hair and the big eyebrows? He had on jeans and a McGill sweatshirt. He was adorable!
Second worker: Um, Naomi, I hate to burst your bubble but I think that guy was gay.
First worker: How do you know?
Second worker: Didn't you see the other guy with him? The tall one with the big blue eyes and the stubble and the cane and the big baggy shorts and the T shirt with the picture of Muddy Waters on it? He had his arm around that guy the whole time, he's gotta be his boyfriend. He looks like the jealous type too.
First worker: Aw, shit.
Second worker: Shhh, here they come!
House: (mock anger) Hey, your damn dinosaur bit me! (yanks up one leg of his Bermudas, showing his scar) See, it took a chunk out of my leg!
Wilson: (chagrined) House, that's not funny!
Second worker: (tired, deadpan) No refunds, sir.
First worker: I thought it was pretty funny.
Second worker: Look, I'm screwed if Truman fires me because he thinks this job is giving me ulcers!
House: Your boss is an idiot. First off, it's a myth that stress causes ulcers. Ulcers are caused by bacteria. Pain causes stress, I should know. (puts his palm on second worker's forehead) You don't have a fever. You been vomiting?
Second worker: No, I didn't puke at all, I don't even feel nauseous, I just have stomachaches and not much of an appetite.
House: You definitely don't have ulcers, then. I can give you something for the pain and it's an appetite stimulant too. (grabs something out of Wilson's fanny pack and gives it to second worker. It's a couple of med joints.) Trust me, I'm a doctor and that's good stuff.
Wilson: (quietly) I don't believe you just did that.
Second worker: (smiling) I owe you one. (whispers) If you and your boyfriend want to hang out here after hours and have the place all to yourselves, meet me behind the snow cone stand near the entrance at closing time and I'll show you how to turn the rides back on.
SEVERAL HOURS AND A COUPLE OF JOINTS LATER
(Late at night. the amusement park is closed and emptied out of people apart from a very happy and high House and Wilson, who have been going on all the rides. they come up to a merry-go-round with the My Little Pony:Friendship Is Magic characters on it instead of regular old carousel horses.)
House: (looking really lustful) You ever done it on a merry-go-round?
Wilson: You gotta be kidding me.
House: No, I ain't. (He starts it up and they both climb on.)
Wilson: How much of that medical weed did you smoke?
House: A lot. (pointing at Twilight Sparkle's horn) Mine's bigger.
Wilson: (giggling) Oh, for god's sake! I must be really high, I'm actually considering it.
House: You know you want to, right here in front of Twinkle Toes and Hum Baby!
Wilson: That's Twilight Sparkle and Rarity!
House: (laughing uproariously) You actually know their names!!
Wilson: Rebecca's a big fan!
House: Rebecca Fawcett? Black, usually works in the ER, gorgeous ass, long cornrows, has a big crush on me and tries to hide it?
Wilson: No! Rebecca Weiss, one of my patients! She's ten years old.
House: Any one of these ponies known for playing pranks?
Wilson: Yes, that one. (indicates Pinkie Pie, a little further forward than the unicorns. Wilson climbs on, then helps House on. They start to cuddle and kiss, their actions getting steadily more and more sexual while the following music plays:
by the time the song is over House is full on making anal love to Wilson bent over Pinkie Pie.)
(Author's notes: As far as I know there is no real amusement park with audio-animatronic dinosaurs and MLP:FIM characters on a merry-go-round.
Rebecca Fawcett is the same person Wilson was referring to in the picnic scene in "Ice and Wine".
This fic was inspired by the contention J.K. Rowling made in the recent New Yorker interview where she was talking about her belief, which I do not agree with, that sex was incompatible with the fantasy genre as a whole, and in particular, her comment "you can't have sex in front of unicorns".)