(written for Ficathon Walks Into a Bar)
The rental car pulled up in front of the blue and red neon lit strip bar somewhere in Halifax and the passenger door opened, and a tall, thin but somewhat athletic-looking man with large, steely blue eyes and a week's growth of facial stubble climbed out awkwardly, leaned on his cane and said to the other man driving, " If this Wyatt guy was the one in med school who influenced you to become an oncologist in the first place you should probably take all the time you want. I'll see you later, Wilson, I can get a taxi back to the hotel when I'm done here." He moved with a pronounced swagger-like limp into the strip joint.
The first people to approach him were neither strippers, bartenders nor bouncers but two other customers, guys who looked to be in their early twenties wearing hip hop gear, one Black and one blonde white guy. The white guy sidled up to him as he headed for a table and said, "Hey, man, wanna buy some dope, know what I'm sayin?"
House rolled his eyes. "I don't fuckin' think so, cowboy."
"Hey, I ain't no cowboy, know what I'm sayin, I'm the baddest mother fuckin rappa in C-eeoooww-ee-" and here he made a mimed turntable scratch motion with his hand,"--ananan --ada, know what I'm sayin? And I gots some good dope for sale, I'm J to the R-O-C an I'm here fo business an pleasure."
House smirked, "Well, I'm the baddest mother fuckin diagnostician on the planet, and I've already got extremely good med weed because my best friend is the baddest mother fuckin oncologist, plus he recently beat cancer."
"Then yall's oughta be celebratin, know what I'm saying?"
"You're a real wan--"
The Black guy interrupted the conversation by saying, "Hey, let's all three of us go get our drink on, first round is my treat," and pulling out a large roll of bills. He peeled off a few, handed them to his friend and asked House, "Whatchoo drinkin?"
"Propellor Pilsner and a shot of Macallan's."
'Awright. J, we been homies long enough that you know what I like, let's do this thing."
As J-Roc went to the bar, House bugged his eyes. "What the hell is with Reese's Piece?"
Tyrone lowered his voice to a near whisper. "Me and him go way back, he's a good dude and I know this sounds cray cray but he's not frontin, he really thinks he's a brother so do not call him a wannabe or white or whatever. It ain't pretty."
As J-Roc brought back the drinks and he and Tyrone started to explain that they were also at the strip joint to see if they could recruit any of the dancers to be in a porn movie they were making at the trailer park outside of town they lived in, House felt entertained but also a little sorry for the first time about walking away from his former life. "This J-Roc guy would drive Foreman absolutely batshit, I'd love to watch him do it."
All three of them were a little startled by sudden, loud music:
and pleased to see the entrance of one of the headlining dancers, a tall, muscular, attractive Black lady billed as "Lisa the Genie".
Several hours later, as House was leaving, he heard a yell behind him:
"HEY HEY HEY, DR. HIZZOUSE IS NO LONGER IN THE HIZZOUSE YA KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN!!"
House turned around to see J-Roc and Tyrone leaving with three of the best-looking strippers in the place. "I'm lookin for a co-star for these lovely ladies, know what I'm saying, this is Nicole... " he pointed to a voluptuous brunette, "...and Michelle" he indicated a pixieish redhead, "and you've already met Lisa the genie!"
House was extremely tempted to make a "ride the magic carpet" joke but decided against it. "I've already met Nicole too, she gave me a very charming lap dance."
Nicole smiled back. "Well, you gave me a very charming tip."
Michelle added, "He's cute, is he gonna be in the movie with us?"
J-Roc looked slightly thrown. "Bubbles would do it back in the day but he's got a girlfriend now, Julian don't wanna do it, I ain't havin that ole cheeseburger eatin Homer Simpson balloon belly mother fucker Randy doin it, know what I'm--"
"You don't want me doing it either, I'm hung like a porn star but I've got a giant scar on my leg--but I've got a friend who might be just who you're looking for...."
THE NEXT DAY
"Hey, Wilson! Wanna go to a party at a trailer park?"