Here's "Identity Crisis", Part 2
(Lana's hospital room. House is eating chocolates, Pam is ogling House, Wilson is in there looking disgruntled. Cuddy walks in.)
Cuddy: The federal agents are here! House, I thought I told you to shave!
House: I did shave! Oh, you mean my face?
(Cuddy facepalms. Pam makes a horny growly noise, House bugs his eyes and leaves.
Lana is examining the chocolate box, now mostly empty.)
Lana: Damn, that House guy ate all the chocolate covered cherries!
Wilson: Yeah, he used to do that sort of thing all the time when we were roommates; we were rapidly turning into the Odd Couple, except not only was he the sloppy one, he was also the obnoxious one!
Lana: How could you stand it?
(Cut to the conference room, House, Foreman, Chase and Alizia Wojeich, posing as Cameron, are in there. House looks smug, Foreman has an "oh spare me" sort of expression, Chase looks uncomfortable and Alizia looks shocked.)
House: Because the sex was amazing, that's how!
Foreman: Can we talk about some patients now?
Alizia: (heavy Russian accent) Yes, please.
House: What is with that ridiculous fake accent, you sound like you're getting ready to make big trouble for moose and squirrel!
(Archer runs up to the conference room and attempts to kick open the glass door but just kicks a hole in it and cuts up his foot.)
Archer: FREEZE! OW, SHIT!
House: Oh, good one. I'm glad you weren't around when I got shot.
Cameron: (coming up behind Archer) let me take care of that leg before you bleed out.
(Alizia tries to run away; House has the presence of mind to trip her with his cane and grab her arm; Foreman grabs her gun.)
Chase: I'll go get security. (he leaves)
(cut to exterior of Foreman's apartment building; early evening, everything is still drawn in Archer style. Foreman is on the phone to Wilson, we see a split screen effect)
Foreman: My building changed owners and they're going to double my rent without making any improvements. I've had it with this crap, I'm moving. The fact that I got a raise for helping catch that Russian spy doesn't mean I'm willing to get ripped off.
Wilson: Well, now that House decided to move out, why don't you split the condo with me? You'd be getting a bigger place and paying less rent.
Foreman: I've seen your condo, that's not a bad idea. They take pets, don't they? I've got a cat.
Wilson: I'm allergic to cats but I guess I can deal with it as long as the cat stays in your bedroom. I'll just take pills.
(screen wipe to Wilson's apartment, nighttime. Wilson is sneezing, and seems to have some sort of rash. He goes into the bathroom and looks around in the medicine cabinet, finding a bottle of pills with a handwritten label, EXTRA STRENGTH ALLERGY.) That's House's handwriting, he must have accidentally left these behind when he moved out. I didn't know he had allergies. Wonder what he's allergic to.
Foreman: (out of shot) Probably good manners.
(Wilson takes two pills.)
(Cut to early morning, Wilson is swimming naked in the neighbors' pool.)
WILSON: I'M THE MANGO CHUTNEY MAN! I'M THE DAMN MANGO CHUTNEY MAN!
(House and Foreman look on. House looks entertained, Foreman looks horrified.)
House: yep, pretty sure those are my hallucinogens.
Foreman: How the hell do we talk him down?
Archer: (walking up with bandaged foot and gun drawn) Want me to take care of him?
House and Foreman: (simultaneously) NOOOOOOOOO!