Title: Imaginary Lover
Warning: Product contains script formatting, Chase's dirty little secret, a very bi House and a surprise guest star. Do not exceed recommended dosage.
(House is in his office. The vertical blinds are closed, the lights are turned down low, he is looking at porn on his computer with a gleam in his eyes.
House: Awww, yeah! (puts some lotion on his hand from a small bottle on his desk, opens his fly, pulls out his dick and starts masturbating.
(Cameron starts to open the door.)
Cameron: Eeek! (closes the door)
(House snickers. Chase opens the door)
Chase: God, that's embarrassing!
(House stops, covers himself up.)
House: Not as embarrassing as singing, "I'm too sexy for my scrubs" in the damn locker room shower!
Chase: (freaked) HOW THE HELL DID YOU HEAR THAT?!
House: How the hell do you not hear a crippled guy sneak up on you, Oblivious Newton-John?
(Chase leaves. House starts up again. Cuddy opens the door.)
Cuddy: (facepalm) Oh, God.
House (grinning evilly): Free samples!
Cuddy (to herself): He's a twelve year old.
(Cuddy leaves. Wilson opens the door.)
Wilson: Want some help?
(The usual shot of the hospital from above, then cut back to House's office. Chocolate Frapp opens the door to see Wilson making anal love to House. She looks entertained.)
Chocolate Frapp: (smiling) Oh, hi boys! Don't mind me!
House: Hi, Ka--Chocolate! (mock innocence) Oh my goodness, I forgot to lock the door!
Wilson: (not losing stride) HOUSE!!!
Chocolate Frapp: You've got to be the only person in the world who could affect mock innocence while getting your skinny ass fucked!
House: Oh, you love me for it!
CF: I never said I didn't! (pause) Want me to lock the door and make you Lucky Pierre?
House: (pleased) Get over here.
a/n: Foreman's not in this because he knew better than to open the door. If you stand at the correct angle, you can see through vertical blinds even when they're closed.